Daily Poison

"For over two years I watched my health deteriorate, not knowing the doctors that I was begging for help were the ones prescribing me my poison."

My mate Alx.

In my personal life, Alx has always been a valued friend. Energetic, creative and loving. From his stint in band 'Antidote' as their lead singer to now helping nurture the leaders of tomorrow in after school clubs, he has always been a vibrant character. Upon first meeting Alx; the only health conditions to note were a complex history of mood dysregulation which they had grown to manage. This is a backstory I'm sure is not uncommon for many young people, especially those within my audience. As time passed, I was forced to watch their physical health decline. I was regularly updated with their fed-up face pictured in an A&E waiting room after I clicked the little red square on Snapchat. I heard tales of recurring doctor's visits and expressions of concern from their close friends. I remember a year or so ago hanging out in his flat. I sat cross legged on the floor chatting away carelessly. Out of no where I saw the tufty curls of his head lurch forward until redirected into the crook of his boyfriend's lap. Lying there beyond reach of the world. Boyfriend Molly continued engaging in the conversation as though nothing had happened. One hand stroking his unconscious partner's head, the other carelessly lounged on the arm of the sofa. The pair had grown far too accustomed to Alx's displays of ill health. Even close friends simply assumed a rehearsed routine in the blink of an eye when met with on of his fainting spells.

Employment became more and more of a struggle. Searching for new positions proved near impossible as no where was able to accommodate for such needs. I remember specifically one instance where Alx fell unconscious during the last of three trial shifts which inevitably cost him the job. In addition to this, Alx's current employment began to grow more concerned with his reliability after bing forced to call an ambulance for him mid-shift. Amongst all the chaos, Alx simply wanted the ability to exist without his own body attacking itself. Committed to prosper in spite of his fleshy manacles, Alx continued to go out independently in spite of the looming possibility of the unknown. The unknown trials his body could be put through each passing minute. Unfortunately this courage led to Alx falling unconscious alone outside. Here while his body wrestled with itself to function, a group of teenagers decided to record him at his most vulnerable. They recorded him in jest as he lay on the cold round. I had a visceral reaction to hearing Alx's retelling of this. How young minds can be so contorted and corrupt to exhibit such dismissal of human life is beyond me. I hope we grow in courage to confront behaviour such as this or propel intervention to some degree. 

The unpredictability and insubordination of his own body began to limit his very autonomy. Growing accustomed to ambulances, mobility aids and persistent dizziness; Alx's life became unrecognisable. White knuckles clothing to their walking stick, Alx became used to the stares they would garner in public. I can't imagine the feeling of staring at my own body and willing it to simply function as it was intended to. The feeling of helplessness against whatever was holding my independence captive. The feeling of fear. Fear of continual regression, of the erratic and unstable vessel that surrounded me. 

I can't express enough the fear I felt watching his health plummet before me. Constant pleas for Doctors to help him. Appointment after appointment. MRIs for narcolepsy, trialing pills and potions. Alx's life began to revolve around his health and the desperate search for answers. 

Our overworked and understaffed healthcare system is struggling daily with the constant influx of patients. Without the neccessary support; patients are neglected and abandoned. Nestled among thousands of others on waiting lists that keep growing, compacted into slots in the twelfth hour of a Nurse's day. How can our NHS be expected to function under these conditions, let alone thrive. After too many consults with healthcare professionals to count, they all managed to miss the underling factor of all of Alx's ailments. The very thing they had been prescribing him month after month. 

Alx was suffering violent side-effects from medication he had been given two and a half years ago. Although very rare to be experienced to this extreme, adverse reactions to mood regulating medications are not uncommon. This answer to all of Alx's questions had flown under the radar and was continuously prescribed to him month after month. His body in distress and rioting, but unheard.